The Happy Loser.

Being awfully mortal, I have been either an avid procrastinator or I sometimes chose to be lazy even when I have a little bit of time, using tiredness as the lame'ol excuse. It takes a huge dose of pills at a critical time of the year to wake me up to my senses that I ought to gather my so called zest & energy that should rightfully belong to an average 25year old 'YOUNG LASS', even if I've always deemed myself less than average.
Being sick made me feel tired, lazy, stupid, slow, useless, breathless, old, weak and numb. During those days, I started to dread each day as I began to feel my life is getting pointless and aimless. I don't know what I should put my focal point on. I felt anxious and at the same time not doing anything to remedy. I felt miserable as I knew I'm expressionless. I was disconnected from myself. Very well that this was not the first time my life is hitting the rocks and I knew exactly how to rescue myself at the end of the ordeal.
Unfortunately there's no short cut and I just have to go through the motion and pray for myself that the bottom is near in order to start emerging. I can't say this is another crisis of mine, just a mini adventure at the close of another year. ")
Over my 20 years of experience in this area, I think I am quite a good self-taught aunt agony by now. :P The 'pros & the gurus' usually will tell you to fill your life with all sorts of activities whenever a patient says he feels lost. But depending on the degree of lost, I think that is sometimes a distraction or even a confusion and not a solution. At least personally, now. I have enuff things on my plate, trvial ones they may be but who says it takes passing your driving, losing 10kilos, earning a new cert, switching to a new job, promoted to house owner, being ATTACheD or other milestones-lookalike to qualify being happy and meaningful in life?
Happiness is a state of mind. I know I'm typically one who weighs myself with too much expectations and unduly worries. But I know equally well too that for myself, being on time for work, knocking off before sunset, finishing up on my spring cleaning, finishing my half-read books and having something to smile at everyday, be it something, someone, a thought, an image, a joke, a conversation, a flower or a compliment, are counted as achievements, which I'm still working at. No doubt I'm not an ambitious person, please don't mistook a dreamer as a non-serious being. Some people are meant for something BIG in their lives, but not all. Being a late-bloomer for all things in life, I am content with taking life in my own pace as long as I can continually battle the stresses from outside that periodically puts me down. It does sound sad that I have to go thru the cycles of sinking, drowning, hitting, bouncing and lifting again and again infinitely. But if thats my life lesson I have to take I will accept and get on with it. It doesn't mean I'm resigning to fate. Fight only when there's a reason to fight for. I don't believe in winning every race. Learn to be a happy loser ;)

[ I am a fish. I sink. I drown. I hit. I bounce. I lift. I'm sad 100%…then happy again. 200% ]